Our expectations of marriage have never been as exaggerated as they are today. What we demand from one relationship is both revolutionary and nearly impossible.
The Burden of Perfection
In the past, marriage was largely functional: it provided stability, children, shared wealth, and social respect. But today, we want so much more. We desire a partner who loves us unconditionally, desires us passionately, and understands us deeply. We expect to be best friends, trusted confidants, and ardent lovers all at once. And we expect this relationship to sustain us—not for a few decades, but for a lifetime that is growing ever longer.
Modern couples aim to merge desires that were once separate. We seek stability, security, and predictability while also yearning for mystery, adventure, and excitement. We ask our partners to provide comfort and reliability but also to inspire awe and ignite passion. We demand both familiarity and novelty, continuity and surprise. This creates a profound tension in relationships, as we expect one person to fulfill needs that historically required an entire community.
Romantic Love as the New Religion
In our increasingly secular world, romantic love has taken on a near-religious significance. Psychoanalyst Robert Johnson describes it as “the greatest generator of energy for the Western psyche,” replacing religion as the realm where men and women seek meaning, transcendence, and ecstasy. By merging spiritual aspirations with relational ones, we’ve created a fusion that places an almost divine burden on our partners.
This fusion leads to inevitable disappointment. When we attribute godlike qualities to our partners and expect them to elevate us from the mundane to the sublime, we set ourselves up for disillusionment. Johnson calls this dynamic “a godless amalgamation of two sacred loves,” which can only fail to meet our inflated expectations.
Happiness as a Mandate
Not only do we demand perfection from our relationships, but we also expect to be happy—a goal that was once reserved for the afterlife. Happiness has become a societal obligation. Heaven is no longer a distant promise; it’s something we’re told to achieve here and now. We’ve brought the divine down to earth, and with it, the pressure to attain constant bliss.
Couples today often strive for a level of intimacy and connection that was unheard of in previous generations. Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and author, points out that we now demand from one person what an entire village once provided. The stakes are higher, and the pressure is immense.
The Double-Edged Sword of Modern Love
This shift in expectations has its benefits. It has inspired couples to strive for deeper connections and more meaningful partnerships. But it also creates unrealistic standards that can lead to dissatisfaction and strain. We seek fulfillment in our relationships while ignoring the structural challenges that make these expectations nearly impossible to meet.
Perel’s insights reveal a core paradox of modern love: while we demand more from our partners than ever before, we’re often ill-equipped to handle the complexities of these relationships. The modern ideal of marriage combines contradictory desires, making it a Herculean task for couples to succeed.
Rethinking Our Expectations
Perhaps the solution lies in adjusting our expectations. Instead of viewing our partners as the sole source of love, support, and happiness, we can lean on friends, family, and community. By distributing the weight of our needs across multiple relationships, we allow our romantic partnerships to breathe and thrive.
Modern love can be extraordinary, but only if we accept its limitations. Perfection is an illusion, and true intimacy requires embracing the imperfect reality of human connection. By doing so, we might just find a version of love that is both achievable and deeply rewarding.
